Communication -Tell ’em what you, how you want, when you want it! (Updated 2022)
Talking sounds so easy but it’s soo difficult to say hard things. Especially when you’re in a committed relationship, you gotta learn how to vibe with what one another say. That’s when communicating becomes less easy, so I’ve got options to help you out!
What is communication? It’s defined by the Oxford Dictionary as the imparting or exchanging of information or news. Now while I agree with this definition I strongly believe that you can communicate not only with your words but with your body.
Verbal communication is important but not always easy. What’s worse is that sometimes you both want the same thing, but because neither of you are saying anything you aren’t getting there.
There was a study showing that 67.5% of marriages ended mainly because of communication problems.
Fear of communicating with your partner can lead to a dissatisfactory relationship and you can easily end up with excuses like this:
“Oh but my partner already does ‘this’ for me, so I don’t feel like I really need the ‘other thing’ that I really want…. Because my partner does ‘this’ already”
“I’ve already tried to talk to my partner and it didn’t work… so what’s the point in trying again?”
“I just don’t know how to say what I want to say and I just know if I try I’ll say it wrong and everything will be more messed up”
These excuses are the ones you say to cover up what you’re afraid to say. It’s on you for not speaking up, your partner can’t read your mind, you have to tell them what you want.
Don’t worry it’s not just your fault, it’s both of your faults for failing to communicate.
And don’t tell me you communicate with your partner if you don’t say the hard stuff. Communication of all ways matters, but if you only have the small easy conversations and skip the hard ones, you aren’t doing the work. Simple communications like these, aren’t doing the hard work:
“Hey babe, how was your work day?” or “Beef or chicken for dinner?”
Not communicating on a level that will help or change your relationship for the better or give you what you need, can leave in a perpetual state of unsatisfied. You don’t need something? Well maybe your partner does and you won’t know unless you both start talking.
You need to plan it, it doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be planned. Why? Because a plan gets you started, a plan gives you confidence and a plan can help you accomplish your goal.
What happens if the plan goes awry? It probably will, but that’s okay! You’ve figured out what you want to say and how you want to say it, so even if it doesn’t go your way it can still help you keep on track with what you need to say.
1. Ask your partner to sit down with you for a conversation. Decide on a night when neither of you have plans, aren’t totally exhausted and can disengage from the outside word.
Distractions will keep you from being able to devote your full attention to your partner, your time and your partners time matters, be respectful of it.
2. Figure out what you want to say, you can write it down or type it out on your phone, whatever works just make sure you’ve thought out what you want to say. You don’t need to have an entire essay ready, you can do something with bullet points, make it easy for yourself.
If you plan on discussing something in depth you want to make sure you have things written down so you can reference them. It’s not you being an ass or anything like that, it’s you making sure you don’t go off on a tangent and forgetting what you need to say.
3. Mood and vibes, make sure the setting you want to have the conversation with your partner is comfortable. Tell them you want to talk to them, but don’t freak them out.
Say you want to have a sit down conversation, you want to do it in person and need them to block out some time for you. The goal is a calm mood and good vibes.
4. If you need a drink, don’t get drunk, know your limit and don’t pass it. You want them to take this seriously then you need to take it seriously, sometimes these conversations can be nerve wrecking.
Having a drink is totally fine, it’s understandable however you want to make sure that you aren’t obliterated/tipsy for the conversation.
5. Breath, you picked your partner and your partner picked you. The goal isn’t for either of you to get mad or upset, you want to make sure that you have a successful conversation.
6. Don’t be accusatory, use the phrase ‘I feel’ , you don’t want your partner to discount your feelings and you don’t want to discount theirs.
If you accuse one another or state they did something then the focus turns onto what you accused them of doing instead of trying to understand the situation. By saying ‘I feel’ you’re letting your partner know that this is how you are perceiving their actions/words.
Of course you’re bound to get emotional, don’t be afraid to take a moment to breath and calm yourself. . It’s okay to be emotional, but try to get your point across without getting too upset so you can both keep it at conversation vs a fight.
7. Remember this is just a conversation, it’s important for both of you to remain open during the duration of the conversation. Does this mean that everything will change right away? No, and should you expect it to? No.
You can’t solve your issues if you don’t know all the problems and you can’t discover problems if you don’t listen to one another. The goal is to not turn it into a fight, a fight will just make you both shut down and stop listening to one another, so do everything you can on your end up to not start an argument.
Having embarrassing conversations and dealing with them, it sucks. But your partner is the one person who you choose to be vulnerable with, and that includes the things you’re embarrassed about.
In every love movie we watch, we see an embarrassing conversation, the other character runs off and the another character comes back and tells them ‘it okay! I still love you…’ but it never happens like that in real life.
In real life we tell our friends something to test the embarrassment level, if it passes a level we deem ‘too much’ then we forget about it. Then mostly like won’t bring it up to the person that matters because of the stigma of embarrassing ourselves.
Okay so I don’t have embarrassing conversations? Look, embarrassing conversations are part of life, and what you may find embarrassing the other person may not. You can’t make progress if you don’t say what you need to.
Not just that but if it’s that embarrassing it’s most likely important… It’s clearly a conversation that needs to be had but is hard, especially a sexual conversation, those can be embarrassing to have.
By not declaring what you need or how you feel you just encourage behavior that doesn’t work for you.
And this does nothing but lead to a fight that can be prevented. Stop your fear, if you are afraid of losing them over behavior that you find frustrating then maybe they aren’t your person and that’s okay.
Well there’s a few ways to do this, some things to ease the level of embarrassment or prevent you from backing out of it.
1.Have the conversation via text, but make sure you let them know. A simple “hey… I need to talk with you, but it’s easier over text so I’m going to text you ok? Do you have time now or should I wait?”
2. Write a letter, make sure you’re clear in what you say to the person. Be direct but not accusatory, you want to fully express yourself appropriately. If you feel something is missing then you want to speak up, if you feel something needs to change you just need to be direct about it but not mean. Use the ‘I feel’ method to help accomplish your goal.
3. Talk to them on the phone, call them up, write down everything you want to say and discuss it. You don’t have to be face to face with the person to have the hard conversations, sometimes its easier to discuss harder things with them through alternate options.
Just be sure to tell them that it’s a serious conversation and let them know that you’re calling them to discuss a problem. You don’t want to end up discussing the issue with them when your partner is in a bad mood or doesn’t have time.
4. Don’t be accusatory, if you blame somebody then walls go up and they shut down completely. They just explain how you’re wrong and how they didn’t do that, even if they don’t mean to we all do that.
AND you don’t want that to happen so when doing any writing or talking make sure you say things starting with, ‘I feel…’. Here’s an example ‘I feel like I’m not as important to you as I used to be’ or “I feel like we could grow in our sex life, I would love to grow in that with you and try new things.’
By saying ‘I feel‘ it makes it so you aren’t saying ‘You don’t’ which does make a difference. You aren’t accusing them or telling them their actions. You are telling them how their actions/words make you feel.
Make sure the person has time for you, make sure they can devote the time you need to hash out this conversation, no matter how long it takes! If you text them or write them they may want to see you after, and don’t do it when they’re busy at work, take the time, it’s important.
Just know that you’ve started the conversation, you’ve told them and got it started! That’s what matters.
Disclaimer: I beg of you don’t use these examples to break up with anybody. These are just helpful tips to get past the hard conversations, it’s normal, everybody has something that’s hard to talk about.
Finally do not have every conversation via email/phone/letter. It’s totally fine for some of your conversations that are harder for you but not all of them.
Okay, now we know how to communicate with the harder conversations. But do you fight fairly?
To clarify, communication happens in all types of ways, when you’re angry, when you’re happy, when you’re turned on.
Both of you need to communicate in a way that will lead you to successful outcomes, even when you’re pissed off.
Don’t antagonize one another, your frustrations and anger are at their highest when you’re fighting. Walk away, cool off and don’t stab your partner with words out of anger. That doesn’t mean avoid, it means come back and address the situation after you’ve both had time to think clear thoughts.
The old saying ‘sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me..’ that’s only true when you don’t know the person. If your partner saying ‘I love you’ matters, then it’ll also matter when they call you a cruel name.
Fighting is totally normal, and its okay to fight, but its also okay to stop before it gets too bad. We all fight, we just need to do it in a way that allows the situation to be resolved in a healthy way.
The more venom you throw into your relationship the more intense your fights get, the dirtier you each fight because you’re hurt by the other. So yes as odd as it sounds, fight fair.
Lay down the rules before your first fight or after the first fight.
1.No name calling: It’s so easy to call somebody a bitch or asshole, its a quick cheap shot. Don’t do it, you want a clean argument, once you start name calling all the other person is focusing on is the name that you called them and how they can find one more hurtful. That’s no longer an argument, it’s a pissing match.
2. No low blows: I get it- you’re both pissed your mad and you want to hurt them. If that’s the case then skip to step 4 because I’m telling you now that degrading and putting down your partner is a bad idea.
You don’t need to bring up times they messed up, they know, you know, this isn’t about that. In a fight it’s about focusing on that moment. You accept your partner for who they are when you’re not fighting, don’t change that because one of you messed up and pissed off each other. .
3. Don’t bring old fights into new fights. You already had a fight and made up and finished that fight, you resolved and moved forward.
So do NOT bring an old fight into a new one, if you didn’t express your feelings about at old fight during that fight, a new fight is not the chance to do so. You want to have a conversation with your partner and discuss why what happened upset you.
The last thing you need to do is mention the fact that your partner forgot to bring home the milk 6 months ago that you asked for 3 times. If you do this, you’re trying to piss them off, not argue out about the current situation that you both disagree about.
4. Walk away if you need to, tell your partner you need space. Sometimes fights can get really heated and you don’t know exactly how to say what you want to convey. So the best option for you is to walk away, cool down. I’m not saying go out and get drunk or look up an old ex.
Give yourself space, take a drive, take a walk, think about it, write it down to clarify it to yourself. Tell your partner you need a break, tell them that you need to cool down and if your partner is the one walking away, then let them.
5. Don’t post it on social media, if you need another opinion then call a friend. Putting it on social media leaves for tons of judgement.
Putting your fight on social media not only lets in unwarranted opinions but it also lets judgement be made on you and your partner that honestly shouldn’t happen.
6. After you’ve finished your fight then you need to let it go, make sure you’ve said everything you have to say and then let it go.
If you feel your partner isn’t understanding what you’re getting at then table it, come back to it and make sure that you both discuss it. But express that you want to approach it later to finish clearing it up.
7.Don’t want to let it fester, you don’t want to bring it into a new fight or have it turn into another fight. If you choose to talk to a friend about a fight, then make sure later when you’re not angry, you tell them about the good in your relationship.
So often we can take the good for granted and only tell our friends what’s wrong with our significant other, failing to mention the good and why we’re with our partner. If you want your family and friends to be happy for your relationship, tell them why they make you happy as much if not more than when they make you mad/sad.
Some of these tips may or may not work for you, everything in a relationship is a matter of test and trial to see what works for you and your partner. Communication is never easy, it’s a puzzle to figure out what works not only for you but also in your relationship. Don’t be afraid to break things down and rebuild for the better of your relationship.
Forget the movies, the happy ending in the movies, is just that… fictional. You can have your own happy ending though! If you communicate the right way and build that trust. communicating the right way doesn’t mean perfectly, it means making mistakes but continuing to try.
By learning to communicate with one another you build trust and expose your vulnerable side thus creating a more solid relationship.
It comes back to this, ‘If I don’t tell you then how will you know?’ and as much as people assume a lot, you need to make sure so everybody’s on the same page.
Communication is the foundation to build a healthy, lasting relationship, don’t be afraid to make that happen for both you and your partner in a positive way.
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